Friday, July 14, 2006

Holding onto Memories

It has been a hard week - especially being far away from home, but I am making it through.
Last night I spoke with my sisters for a while. It was really good to talk about Dad and how we are feeling. I think the three of us really feel the same way and understand each other. Many days it feels that everyone tries to understand but falls short. It isn’t a simple thing.

The last year has been all about 'counting' for us. Every month that passes, every birthday, every holiday we think “this is the first Christmas without dad" or "it's been 7 months now since he died".
We agreed that it is time to stop counting. It's time to try to start moving on (although we have been saying that for a year and going through the motions – we each admit we haven’t begun to move on).

Grief is a difficult thing to explain. It is difficult to let go. It has kind of become apart of me over the last year. Maybe at times even an excuse.
I am afraid that if I let go of my grief, that I will begin to forget him.
The days, months will pass and he will be but a fleeting thought. I wonder how often I will think of him in 10 years?
It makes me very sad to think about.

However, I am trying to focus on other ways to honor my Dad that don’t involve grief.
As I mentioned, this weekend my family is having a memorial for my Dad. It actually would have been the weekend of his annual summer BBQ. It makes sense that on Saturday after the memorial, my step-mom will be having the BBQ – to honor Dad.
Since I am in Korea, and I can’t be home – I have found a poem that my sister is going to read at the service. It is simple, but it gives me hope that my memories of him will remain strong – even after I stop grieving for him.

At the rising sun and at its going down we remember him.
At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter we remember him.
At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring we remember him.
At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer we remember him.
At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of the autumn we remember him.
At the beginning of the year and when it ends we remember him.
As long as we live, he too will live, for he is now a part of us.

When we are weary and in need of strength we remember him.
When we are lost and sick at heart we remember him.
When we have decisions that are difficult to make we remember him.
When we have joy we crave to share we remember him.
When we have achievements that are based on his we remember him.
For as long as we live, he too will live,
For he is now a part of us, as we remember him.


At 9:26 a.m. , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Even though I cannot imagine what you have been going through, I just want you to know that someone is out there.

At 12:09 a.m. , Blogger michi said...

what a wonderful thought, colleen.

and thank you for sharing your thoughts.

hugs, m


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